On August 02, 2023, my world came crashing down.
I sat on the edge of our bed, staring at the empty side that once belonged to the man I had loved for a decade. All that was now lost in an endless loop of miscommunication, emotional distance, and taunts that had already twisted us into our worst versions.
There wasn’t any other option—divorce was inevitable.
So then? Like most good men, he packed his bags and moved out…
For nine long months, we drifted through parallel universes—completely disconnected, drowning in our pain as we tried to piece together our separate lives.
UNTIL May 05, 2024, when, against all odds, we found our way back—clumsy,
imperfect, and a whole lotta CRINGE.
That’s a story for another day, but those months taught us something most couple counselors won’t tell you: conflict isn’t a villain.
Let me be frank.
Conflict wasn’t the villain—it was the mirror that exposed our deepest fears and
flaws, pushing us to rebuild… or lose it all forever.
But this isn’t news…you and I both know conflict in relationships is as inevitable as rain in the monsoons. It’s everywhere: with our parents, friends, colleagues, and even neighbors.
What REALLY makes or breaks a couple is how they handle these hurricanes. And more importantly, how they rebuild after the storm.
It’s not about whether you’ll argue but what you’ll argue and do after those arguments.
So, How Do You Resolve Conflicts in a Relationship Quickly?
Use these steps to resolve conflicts FAST.
- Step away, breathe.
- Listen and share with “I” statements.
- Pause 10 seconds before reacting.
- Apologize, forgive, validate.
- Spot patterns and triggers to prevent emotional traps.
That’s it!
Here’s the ultimate truth: Conflict doesn’t have to be a relationship killer or an end. It can be the beginning of something stronger if handled right.
…especially if you have the right tool—a 5-Step Action Plan that blends science, philosophy, psychology, and spirituality to create a deeper loving bond!
My husband and I made it using what worked for us (and what didn’t), so YOU don’t have to go through the mistakes, pains, and struggles we did!
So, I’m about to break down the anatomy of relationship conflicts, reveal how small issues silently pile up, and show you how to keep the breakup monster at bay.
Join me? It might just get your relationship back to the lovey-dovey one like old times!
Now, scroll away…
Why Do We Fight? 7 Valid Reasons for Conflicts in Every Relationship
Ah, the timeless question—even God has been looking for why people fight since he made the first couple and gave them the Garden of Eden.
We all fight for many reasons.
Here’s a quick list of the most common reasons for conflicts in relationships:
Misunderstandings
Sometimes, we just CAN’T see our partners eye-to-eye because we’re looking at each other through a foggy perspective based on assumptions.
You say, ‘I’m tired,’ and he hears, ‘I’m frustrated.’
Unmet Needs
Failed expectations are the silent killers of most relationships because when our wants aren’t met, we become like deflated balloons—empty and neglected.
For instance, imagine needing a hug and getting a to-do list instead (story of my life until we resolved our conflicts last May)!
Past Hurts
Past hurts can linger and haunt your current relationship like a heavy backpack on a long hike. For instance, my husband once called me ‘hipster’ in a weird tone, and it immediately triggered an insulting memory from my college days. What happened next—FIGHT!
Financial Strains
Money is another main cause of conflicts among couples. If you have financial strains on top of this (cue to the 2024 recession), it can amplify insecurity, trust issues, and lack of respect.
Different Personalities and Priorities
Sometimes, the very reason couples fall in love can also become the single most common reason for a fight. This is called Fatal Attraction.
For example, I love that my boo is quiet and calm. But, when he doesn’t respond, our conversations hit fight mode because I also hate ‘being ignored.’
Bedroom Incompatibility
Intimacy is another huge cause of conflict, whether you’re dating someone or tied to them for life.
Like there were times when I wanted more hugs and kisses while he was content with them once in a blue moon.
The Attention Problem
Oof, the attention deficit! Did you know the biggest reason for infidelities is lack of attention? It’s almost like wanting your plants to thrive when you aren’t even watering them.
It’s like this: I like to be called ‘beautiful,’ but he’d respond by saying— ‘but you already know you’re beautiful’ or ‘I told it 9 years ago already!’. Welp, right?
Unresolved Conflicts
Some fights aren’t even about the topic at hand! They stem from conflicting opinions and behaviors that usually fester and decay your love.
Like, I realized our fights about dishes weren’t really about chores—they were about feeling unappreciated, something I’d carried since my childhood.
The emotional attachment theory agrees with this and clearly sheds light on ‘relationship conflicts.’ It says each of us deals with conflicts based on our attachment styles, which were formed during childhood.
For instance, I’m anxious-attached, which makes me feel every little issue is a HUGE threat to our relationship. It can make our brains enter the ‘amygdala hijack’ phase, where everything feels like a threat, and primal instincts like ‘fight or flight’ take over.
Don’t know your attachment type? Use this quick-test by Psychology Today and find out RIGHT NOW!
While there are many more silent killers to fight in dating and relationships, the truth is that most of them have a clear-cut scientific basis. And the more you understand things like the amygdala hijack, the more it calms the heated arguments down the line.
Fun Fact: The amygdala is quite ancient and has been around since dinosaurs!
The Psychology of Conflict Resolution REVEALED
Everyone knows about Romeo-Juliet, Antony-Cleopatra, and even Cupid’s love-arrow when it’s about love.
But very few know about the conflict resolution story of Cupid and Psyche. It’s quite short: Psyche mistrusted Cupid and decided to separate, but they reunited soon and stronger than before, after numerous trials and conflicts.
Sounds like my story above? That’s because it’s one of the few ancient stories soaked in reality!
Conflicts don’t end relationships, ignoring them does!
5-Step Guide to Conflict Resolution in Dating & Relationships
The secret ingredient that makes conflict resolution tasty is—adaptability.
We have that magic because our brains are incredibly adaptable and capable of
rewiring quickly, thanks to ‘neuroplasticity.’
Moreover, we get into relationships with a long list of mental expectations… forgetting that the other person might have a totally different and long list, too.
So, when we got back together, we made a personalized strategy for conflict resolution that might help you.
Now, let me show you the exact steps that took us from the brink of divorce to rediscovering the love we thought we’d lost forever.
Step 1: Mindful Deep Breath
- Whenever things get heated up, we change the setting (go to another room), take deep breaths, and replay our dialogues (rather than the other’s) in our minds.
- Why? Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life,
and you will call it fate—Carl Jung.
Step 2: Compassionate Communication
- When we come back into the same room, it’s all ‘Deep Listening + Active Sharing’ by using sentences that start with ‘I.’
- Why? This is PERFECT for empathizing with the other’s perspective without starting a looped-up blame game.
Step 3: Reflection Without Reaction
- We call this Pause and REWIND, where we take a 10-second pause after listening to the other before reacting or responding.
- Why? This helps us reflect and listen honestly without rushing to defend or speak. Plus, it creates a mental gap between the emotional trigger and your usual response.
Step 4: Repair and Reconnect
- Once the dust settles, we both ‘apologize’ (yes, it’s a sorry fest!) and forgive by imagining what made the other say the things they did.
- Why? This helps us validate each other’s feelings as well as our own.
Step 5: Learn and Evolve
- We’ve learned each conflict is an opportunity to uncover deeper truths about ourselves and our relationship. So, we sit down and do this for 10 minutes: identifying recurring patterns that keep triggering each other.
- Why? This way, we don’t patch things up but prevent falling into the same traps again and again.
The ‘Science of Rebuilding’ After Conflicts and Summary
But that’s not all that helps us every day and thousands of other couples.
It’s actually how we rebuild after conflicts. Because sweeping things under the rug only leads you to break up, separation, or divorce.
Besides how shockingly modifiable our brains are, psychological studies also say how incredibly useful conflict resolution techniques are.
Did you know couples who resolve conflicts repair the relationship and become more satisfied, caring, and compassionate?
Don’t get me wrong.
We still argue, but they feel more like IIT seminars than Sunday market hullaballoo.
The thing is, my husband is a romance-repulsed aromantic, and I’m a hopeless romantic. This wild mix often causes romance vs. practicality issues in our world.
But don’t worry about us! We’ve got the 5-step hack.
And now you do too!
Care to share?
What’s a recurring conflict in your relationship? Have you imagined why your partner said what they said about it?
~Stay strong~
